Bitch, Moan, Threaten: How do I get my spouse to accept my loss of hearing acuity as a disability instead of a character fault?

These sorts of situations require patience and empathy, most of which resides on the part of the person with the disability, which is extremely unfair. I have had moderate to severe hearing loss my entire life and for a long portion, like when I was in school, no one believed me when I failed my audiogram tests. They thought I was sandbagging to get out of class. It wasn’t until I was an adult and getting a physical for a new job that someone directly told me, yeah dude, you can’t hear shit.

Getting hearing aids was a game changer, they greatly improved my quality of life, reduced my social anxiety, and improved my rhetorical abilities and interest. However, people never seem to give me the consider that I need in some situations. While I like having my hearing aids, I often take them out when I am at home because my ears just don’t like having the receivers jammed in there all day and my ear wax gets weird. But now that I have them I am sort of expected to wear them all of the time. If I am ever not wearing them and I fail to hear something, my partner will get snippy with me and ask if I am wearing them.

All of that said, I totally get it. I get why it’s so annoying to have to repeat yourself. It’s not normal to have to do so that often and that can upset people. Additionally, it can simply be upsetting to someone that there are visible and clear signs that their partners health is degrading. There are a litany of reasons to snap at someone: could be past trauma, loss of loved ones, or just that they are stressed out for whatever reason. Or it could be all of those things at once.

What I have learned is that it is definitely helpful to reiterate the protocol for interacting with you, and you definitely are going to have to remind them to be sure. Mainly because, like I said before, it’s not normal. They don’t normally have to do that for anyone else. Stuff like that takes time and patience to adapt to and frankly, no one will ever fully accept the differences but that’s okay. We all have our troubles and crises to contend with. We all need to be patient and empathetic with one another as best we can.

What has helped me is trying not to make assumptions about why people act the way they do. No one is a mind reader, after all. It can be tempting to think that someone may see your inability to hear as a moral failing because frequently it definitely feels that way. But you should ask yourself, how does this help me? How does this help my relationship with my spouse to assume that? Usually it doesn’t, it just breeds contempt.

Take opportunities like this to have an open discussion. Say hey, I’m sorry that you have to repeat stuff for me all of the time, but I am glad that you do because I like talking to you. Start from a place of compassion and you will find that everything is easier after that.

Rather than quoting it all, I’ll just note that said spouse’ mother was profoundly deaf by the time she died, and had worn hearing aids for at a minimum the 25 years that I knew her before she died, the ones she had at the beginning being ITEs, with replaceable batteries, and progressing to BTE air tube molds, also replaceable batteries. That we both used the same batteries was helpful if we were ever out somewhere together and the dead-battery user didn’t happen to have replacements with them

Somehow either my MIL had much better aids, or my wife somehow managed to communicate better to her, as I very rarely heard any “What?” or complaint from my wife when her aids were in and on (battery door closed).

I’ve got another appointment with my Beltone provider Tuesday (two days), and the molds they got for me again had pain resultant in my left ear; my substitution of one of my prior molds (again; second and last left ear prior mold) has resulted in it, also, splitting at the receiver-insertion-point (it’s a larger receiver than the one previous to these). That prior mold doesn’t hurt; I’ll see if the serial number on it can be used as a profile for a replacement on my (new) left mold.

In the meantime, in order to preserve it as long as possible, I’m removing that prior, and now split, mold before it can no longer hold the receiver, and temporarily using the new mold.

OY!

When my hearing was good I loved soft voices including my late husband’s. When my hearing deteriorated I never heard the end of his sentences as his voice always trailed off. I ended up very frustrated as he simply didn’t get it. He would repeat the beginning of what he’d said clearly but still trail off. I’d regularly would repeat ‘I can’t hear the end of your sentences’ To the extent that my children would accuse me of being rude as I should have said ‘pardon’! I was eventually very frustrated though. He’d also let his moustache grow too long so lip reading was hard. My audiologist tried to explain my problems to him but nothing worked for long. We were otherwise happily married for 49 years and I’d give anything to have him back even if I still struggled to hear him!

We have our memories. . . !
Here is another of mine (I miss that daily humor).
“I’m lucky that my husband understood, or at least accepted, my hearing limitations, and only reminded me on our checklist when leaving the house, “Got your ears?”
His light humor was a help, not a hindrance.”

Welcome to our community, Richard!

In my case, she unfortunately doesn’t give me looks; if I can see her face, I can usually sort out what’s said, or come close

I’m glad you made progress.

As to your being here, if you’ve not watched for a while, you may not know, but there’s probably nothing which hasn’t been experienced and in most cases, dealt with successfully (my issue being one of the chronic ones which doesn’t respond to technology or skillsets).

Enjoy…

L8R
Skip, PKA user424

pageskipro, I’ve been in full molds for well over a year.

If it weren’t for the fact that my acuity is poor enough that the volume leaks past even closed domes, I’d still be there (domes), as for some reason my left ear is unhappy with molds (pain), and that’s the one with the worst loss…

If I can ever get the fitment right, however, and don’t have a wrestling match each insertion (nearly every time, both ears), I have no issues with molds. I’m all about results and those who know me well are painfully aware of my lack of embarrassment about anything to do with how others see me physically

Well, maybe not painfully, but acutely

L8R
Skip, PKA user424

I like this answer. We too have to make the effort.

Update:

This has been about my Beltone Imagine 17s.

I'm now in Phonak Audéo Sphere Infinio 170s, BTE and titanium molds - all current Sphere software updated - and a Roger mike.

Still grumbling, but much better...

Great point about the test of love. My wife and partner since 1972 now has some mild bilateral hearing loss, and her audiologists recommend hearing aids but she has been putting it off, and now after our kids and grandchild visited, I've helped her look at the various options and I'm hoping she will follow up.

I haven't been very helpful, as I really need to stop talking to her around corners and so forth. Also, I have apparently been coping mainly by talking louder, but she perceives that as yelling and actually wants me to come closer and speak softly. I'm right now listening to a song that might be good at training me, Andy William's Speak Softly Love from the Godfather: https://youtu.be/PQBW6G0hSrs?si=Yqah0E7mt62WXjzS.

Also, yesterday, I invented an acronym she can use to train me: DID for Dial It Down. And I invented a signal she can use to tell me to Dial it Down: basically the OK sign. Try shaping the OK sign and you will see that to you, the person shaping the OK, it looks like a D for Dial it Down. So this is sort of a "secret code" a person with a hearing impairment can use with a partner to, counterintuitively, ask their partner to dial it down!

And here is one I haven't share with her yet, that could be used for her to suggest I Dial It UP! Thumbs Up! Another simple sign for what that becomes more necessary.

Finally, as a gentle way she or any he for that matter could encourage their partner or friend to come closer is a simple handwave to come closer.

If it is permitted by community guidelines, I think I may post these tips elsewhere as well. I'm new here and this is my first post. (edited for typos)

I explain to people something along the following line:

If you look directly at me I can hear you better. I can't hear you if you turn away or if you are in the next room. Let's wait until we are in a more quiet area and then we can talk.

My spouse is very supportive so I am lucky. I do have to tell people that I can't hear in a noisy restaurant and it just sounds like a loud lawn mower with all the sounds blended together.

Have you tried the partner mic? It works great with one on one conversations.

That book also changed my life. It helped me see that I could significantly change my experience of hearing loss through a combination of practical steps, self advocacy and attitude changes. Wish I’d read it years earlier!

I need to read it again.

DaveL

Get them to wear a pair of silicone noise-plugs for a whole day.

I’ve scrolled back and can’t seem to find the name of the book that you speak of. Can you give me the name?thanks